Liverpool police chief ourside Anfield: "these scenes are disgraceful. I'm not putting up with this every 30 years".
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There'll be some partying in Liverpool tonight.
Luckily, they don't have to get up for work in the morning.
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What's the difference between Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard?
Frank Lampard won Liverpool the Premier League.
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I orgasmed in the tub last night.
The wife fucking hates when I call her that.
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The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.
And even that I take with a pinch of salt.
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Phil Fodens girlfriend has forgiven him for taking a girl back to his hotel room.
Well it was either that, or get a job.
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Strange how immigrants strengthen our country.
But not their own.
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A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"
He replies: "I am not your dad".
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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes.
Fucking weirdo didn't even turn up.
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Just found out there is a library in my local town centre.
They kept that quiet.
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Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don't know what you're missing!
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What do you call a basement full of feminists?
A whine cellar.
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I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said "hello, best western".
I said "Unforgiven", with Clint Eastwood.
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I hate it when I'm texting and I'm rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen.
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Gravestones are a thing of the passed.
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I'd like to have children one day.
But no longer than that.
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Just received the worst blow job I've ever had.
Schools really need to get a grip on sex education.