I hope the guy who invented Auto correct burns in hello!!
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My mate walked into the pub last night with a massive black eye. "How did you get that?" i asked. He replied. "I was banging my neighbours wife over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said 'it's my husband! Quick, use the back door'...
Thinking about it, i should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day!"
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I just passed a drugs test at work.
Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.
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My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.
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I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in.
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
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My wife said she didn't need me anymore.
So I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened all the lids.