You know you live in a small town when the guy at the local newsagents speaks English.
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My girlfriend got her clit pierced last week. She said "In all the years I've been with you, I'd never experienced an orgasm until now".
I now give her one just by sitting next to her. With my magnet.
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What are the ten most common causes of crime in your area?
Ten niggers.
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MGMT isn't actually an acronym, it's the word 'management' condensed to four letters.
It took me a while to discover that BDSM has surprisingly little to do with Buddhism.
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I heard yesterday that there's talk amongst computer companies to increase the size of a byte by one-eighth.
I'd say that's a bit too much.
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When my daughter was born, I decided to call her Alexis.
I chose that name because if I hadn't have had her, I'd be fucking driving one.
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When I die, I'd love to be remembered by a minute's silence at Anfield.
I don't support Liverpool, I just like the idea of a few thousand scousers shutting the fuck up.
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My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from "Star Wars" and pretended my dick was a lightsaber.
I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow.