I've been watching so much porn I just spit on my car trunk's lock before I put the key in.
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I'm not saying not to trust the Internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won and the number of iPads I own.
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I saw a Muslim walking around in Liverpool city centre wearing a suicide vest.
A Manchester United top.
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I'm surprised there aren't more women football commentators.
The women in this house are naturals at talking all the way through a football match.
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A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says: "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says: "No, fuck off".
The tramp turns to leave and replies: "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom".