My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
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A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn't look big in those jeans".
A black lie: "I didn't steal no mother fuckin' car".
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My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler.
I'd do anything to win her back.
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I found that if you run out of KY Jelly and are really desperate, foreplay will work too.
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I saw a sign in McDonald's today, it said 'we do not accept £50 notes'.
Fuck me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald's.
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I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.
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My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.
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If women are so good at multi-tasking, how come my wife can never have an orgasm at the same time as we're having sex?
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Who says men can't multi-task?
I can fuck my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.
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Ever had one of those e-mails about cock-extensions?
It's funny how they always know who to send it to.
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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
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I go away on holiday next week. One of my colleagues has just asked me if he could come in my suitcase.
That's quite an odd fetish I thought.
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What's worse than finding your sister in bed with your dad?
Being jealous...
"What’s worse than finding your sister in bed with your dad?
Being jealous…"
on your sister or on your dad ?
that's the spirit!!! :))))))))))))))