Niscaiva poante

Thank fuck Facebook is back up.

I've had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of wine and going to bed, lol'. It's taken me all night!

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I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become.

I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

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When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body.

However, that changed when I was born.

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I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

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I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

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My ex-girlfriend is trying to blackmail me by threatening to post full frontal nude photographs of me on the Internet.

I don't see why she thinks I'd be worried though. I've seen those photos and you can barely even make out my cock.

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Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don't like random strangers knocking on their door.

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No you prick, I won't reverse, you've gone the wrong way down a one way street.

What the fuck does ECNALUBMA mean anyway?