Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA.
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I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
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Emma Watson at the Harry Potter Premier: "Thanks to everyone who came."
No problem, Emma.
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I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.
"What do you need the money for sir?"
"It's for a car."
"Oh nice, what are you getting?"
"Just some unleaded."
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
12.
One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
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"Give us an E, mate."
"I'm an undercover police officer."
"Errrrr...
Give me an N
Give me a G
Give me an L
Give me an A
Give me an N
Give me a D
Goooooo England!"
Got away with that one, I think.
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I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying.
Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase.
I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.
Someone asked me who do I prefer "Chris Brown or Rihanna?"
Chris Brown beats Rihanna every time.
Candles lit, food ready, background music - the scene was set perfectly.
My girlfriend walked in the door exhausted from work and I smiled at her. The time was so right. I got down on one knee and held the ring up in the air.
"What the fuck is this?" she moaned.
"I'm scared," I said. "Please watch it with me."
a doua e geniala
Jesus walks into a hotel one night, looking for a place to crash. He walks up to the front desk person, puts some nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
I'm not into that kinda jokes...