I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling.
It's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
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My Grandad from Liverpool doesn't think he'll ever see his beloved Reds win the title again in his lifetime.
"Come on Grandad," I said, "You're still only 28."
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"For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you," said my wife.
"Who's Pete?" I replied.
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My mum knocked on my bedroom door, "My God, it sounds like you're strangling a cat in there, I don't think those violin lessons we've paid for have worked."
"Maybe it'd help if you'd bought me a violin," I quietly muttered as I picked up another kitten.
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I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift.
She said, "Something gold, I like gold."
I asked, "Yes, but what?"
She said, "I honestly don't mind, just something gold."
She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish.
genial ala cu liverpool
I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.