My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.
Ha ha ha, erect.
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Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
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As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
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Ever noticed that there's a New York, a New Hampshire and even a New England but no New Liverpool...
Say what you like about Americans but even they didn't make that mistake.
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Last night I dreamt about a red octagon, with the word “STOP” emblazoned across it in white.
I think its a sign.
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I had my first ever shit at work yesterday.
The passengers on my bus weren't impressed.
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Giving a woman oral sex is like playing monopoly.
It seems like a good idea at the start but it always takes too long to finish.
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Just heard that Girls Aloud are playing Newcastle in August.
They are expected to win 3-0.