The wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most.
I said, "Open your legs and I will show you".
So I nutmegged her.
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The last 3 times a Premier League team has been on top on Christmas Day and not won the league:
Liverpool 08-09
Liverpool 13-14
Liverpool 18-19
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My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"
"A fucking power cut" was apparently was the wrong answer.
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Apparently, up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty shat on a wall.
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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
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"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."
"Thanks, Grandad!"
"Why did you call me Grandad?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
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It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.
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Employee: "Boss, we need to stop testing our products on animals."
Boss: "Why? Hand lotion manufacturers do it all the time!"
Employee: "Yes, they do, boss, but we make dildos."