Today my daughter called me 'Birth Person'.
I replied, 'Yes, financial drain'.
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I threw a ball for my dog tonight.
A bit extravagant, but he is 5 and looked fucking awesome in a tuxedo.
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Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.
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There's a sign in my local park that reads, 'Please do not cycle on the grass. You may injure a young child or elderly person'.
I'm pissed about the cycling, but at least they've provided an alternative activity.
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Gotta love it when sassy bitches say "honey, I need a man, not a child!".
And then they end up with a child and no man.
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My teenage daughter came bursting in to my bedroom this morning shouting, "I'm late! I'm late!".
"What for?", I said, as I was starting to panic.
"School", she replied.
Thank God for that.