My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday'. That wasn't a nice postcard to receive.
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"I've lost my wallet containing £200", said a voice in the crowd. "I'll give £10 to anyone who finds it".
"I'll give £20", said another voice.
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Relationships are like mobile phones. You'll look at your iPhone 5 and think: it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.
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Doctors have just identified a food that causes years of grief and suffering. It's the wedding cake.
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I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.
The host asked me, "What are you dressed as?"
I told him, "I'm a harp."
He said, "But your costume is too small to be a harp."
I was incredibly offended, and asked him,
Are you calling me a lyre?"
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Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.