A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head.
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My wife caught me cheating while playing monopoly.
She dropped the dice and found me fingering her sister.
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I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife.
She's not good looking or anything, she's just got really massive ears.
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Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping a lot of mediocre stuff.
It's a bit like being a Coldplay fan.
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"How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?"
"How do you know her name?"
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Finally after eleven years I nervously popped the question, and she made me the happiest man on Earth by saying yes.
We start divorce proceedings tomorrow.
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I bought a fanny shaped Chinese vase at auction.
Apparently it's from the Minge Dynasty.
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I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
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Child to his mum; "Mummy, what is dark humour?"
"Well, sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?"
"No, mummy, I'm blind!"
"Exactly."