I wanted to be a boxer until I fought a guy who really wanted to be a boxer.


Congratulations to India, the only country in the world with a moonlanding program and no proper sewage system.


My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her.

I thought to myself: "she's beginning to sound just like my wife".


Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.

I've heard nothing since.


Weirdly, my doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...


"What's your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.

"Wayne", I said.

"And your last name?", he continued.

"It's always been Wayne", I said.


Serena has a Semi today.

She’s hoping it goes down before her match starts.


Congratulations to Simona Halep for winning the Mixed Singles Final.

Blah, blah, blah