My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
So I took her to a gas station.
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a friend."