"He used me for sex".
No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.
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Me and my girlfriend stopped at the motorway services recently for some breakfast.
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts.
I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
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I was at a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said " No thanks mate, I'm Jewish."
"Don't worry," I replied, "they're free."
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The government have announced that it's going to make things even harder for people to claim benefits.
They are going to print the application forms in English only.
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To the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!
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I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go home.
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Dear TAG heuer,
Im pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I wont need a fuckin watch anymore.
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My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday.
Not the kind of postcard i was expecting.