Funny and offensive AF

"He used me for sex".

No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.


Me and my girlfriend stopped at the motorway services recently for some breakfast.

We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts.

I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."

"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."


I was at a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.

I asked my mate if he wanted one.

He said " No thanks mate, I'm Jewish."

"Don't worry," I replied, "they're free."


The government have announced that it's going to make things even harder for people to claim benefits.

They are going to print the application forms in English only.


To the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!


I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go home.


Dear TAG heuer,

Im pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I wont need a fuckin watch anymore.


My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday.

Not the kind of postcard i was expecting.

Blah, blah, blah