A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
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I went to see a therapist.
I said "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."
He said "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."
I said "No."
He said "You're a woman."
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Apparently kicking a pregnant woman's stomach is only cute if it's from the inside.
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We used to have 4 different remote controls.
Then we got a Universal Remote.
Now we have 5 different remote controls.
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My daughter just asked me what 'FAP' meant.
I need to stop commenting on her Facebook photos.