Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.
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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,
but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
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The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round!"
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My girlfriend was screaming at me.
"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"
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I'm not into this Twitter lark...
I prefer to follow people in person.
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I phoned my wife and asked, "Where are you?"
"In the kitchen," she replied.
"Well, come into the lounge and see how much this fucking phone bill is."
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