Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.
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I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets:
I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.
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Last night I was halfway through shagging the missus when I suddenly shouted, "STOP!"
When she said, "What?" I simply replied, "Hammer time!"
She was less than impressed.
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Don't you think that the BBC should have made Doctor Who more realistic by giving us an Indian doctor that no one can understand?
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Did you hear about the suicidal wanker?
He tossed himself off a bridge.
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I was furious when I found out The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.