Cel mai mare fan Alanis Morissette

In cautare de informatii despre Alanis, am ajuns intamplator la o postare pe tumblr pe care am decis s-o 'culeg' pentru ca e prea misto ca sa se piarda in oceanul de informatie. Un fan adevarat a decis ca vrea sa afle un amanunt despre viata artistei. Dar mai bine sa o iau cu inceputul, mai ales ca nu toata lumea asculta Alanis Morissette din '95.

Primul single cu care a rupt toate topurile si cel care a facut-o cunoscuta pe Alanis a fost "You Oughta Know" in iulie 1995. Piesa e foarte misto, fiind scrisa impreuna cu genialul Glen Ballard si inregistrata de Alanis acompaniata de artisti remarcabili precum Dave Navarro la chitara si Flea la bas. Versurile piesei pareau foarte personale pentru solista. Mai exact, era vorba de ura profunda pe care o simtea fata de fostul prieten, care o parasise pentru o alta femeie. Cel putin asta canta Alanis in piesa. Iar versurile care au aprins imaginatia adolescentilor au fost despre sex oral:

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?

Anii au trecut si fanii hardcore continuau sa-si puna intrebarea daca povestea e inventata sau nu. Pana la urma, intr-un interviu din '98, artista a recunoscut ca totul e pe bune:

She follows up with the controversial lines: "Is she perverted like me / Would she go down on you in a theatre?" If it were not God's honest truth, you could justly accuse Alanis Morissette of downright sensationalism, but she swears that it really happened. "I did do that, it's true, I went right down on him in a movie theatre," Morissette shrugs. "Yeah, I was a little worried about putting that incident into a song, but I don't believe in censoring anything, so I used it. It was something I had to do, this whole album came from a place inside of me. But it all boils down to the fact that I want to walk through life, not get dragged through it." Besides being a great song in its own right, "You Oughta Know" is also a remarkably honest piece of lyricism, providing a useful warning for the average male over the way a 1990s female will react when she's treated disrespectfully.

Ai putea crede ca aceste destainuiri sincere sunt suficiente pentru a potoli imaginatia oricarui fan. Mai sunt unii, insa, care duc totul la un alt nivel, iar demersul lui Josh e mai jos. Practic, intrebarea pe care o pune el este "ce film rula in cinema la momentul respectiv?".

During What Movie Did Alanis Morissette Go Down On Dave Coulier? A Crackpot Investigates

Alanis Morissette’s 1995 hit “You Oughta Know” famously describes her previous relationship with Dave Coulier. From this we can presume that at one point Alanis Morissette gave Dave Coulier a blowjob in a movie theatre.  My goal is to find out which movie they were watching during this incident.

PART I: Timing of the Relationship

Coulier began dating Alanis shortly after his divorce in 1992.  Allegedly, the two met at a hockey game.  I’ll give Coulier the benefit of the doubt and assume he started dating Morissette after her 18th birthday on June 1, 1992, meaning the hockey game would’ve been during the 1992-93 NHL season.  I’m also assuming Coulier, flush with Full House cash, would’ve sprung for a regular season NHL game, meaning the earliest possible beginning date for the relationship is October 6th, 1992.

The ending of the affair is slightly trickier – full writing and recording of the Jagged Little Pill album began in earnest after Alanis moved to Los Angeles in early 1994, although Alanis had worked in some capacity with producer Glen Ballard in previous trips to LA.  Coupling this with “You Oughta Know”’s reference to “how quickly I was replaced” and “You seem very well, things look peaceful” (implying at least modest distance between the end of her relationship and the writing of the song), a reasonable outer limit of the termination of the Coulier-Morissette affair is July 1st, 1993.

The movie theater blowjob likely took place between October 6th, 1992 and July 1st, 1993.

PART II: Potential Movies

Given that time frame, what are some likely movie contenders? We are looking at movies that 1) appeared in wide release between October 6th, 1992 and July 1st, 1993 and 2) had low revenue numbers per theater, increasing the likelihood of a sparsely-populated theater in which Morissette could realistically be expected to go down on Coulier.  While I’d love to imagine Coulier steaming in anger while watching Robin Williams play the genie in Aladdin (a role Coulier would’ve probably killed for), the movie was far too popular to give adequate room for oral shenanigans.

Using numbers from boxofficemojo.com, the top ten most sparsely attended potential movies are:

PART III: Conclusions

Our intuition is our only guide at this point–Once Upon a Forest is the first one to be eliminated, as it’s hard to imagine a 33 year-old Coulier taking an 18 year-old Morissette to a children’s movie, much less getting a beej during a children’s movie. Ditto Life With Mikey, a movie about a children’s talent agency.  Best of the Best II and Dr. Giggles are violent movies appealing to teenage boys, and Aspen Extreme is a ski lodge sex romp, and I frankly cannot come up with a credible hypothesis for how Coulier would convince anybody to go on a date with him to those movies.

That leaves Hear No Evil, The Temp, Body of Evidence, The Dark Half and Boiling Point.  Toss out Hear No Evil, as basic dignity excludes any movie focusing on Marlee Matlin’s deafness.  Boiling Point, a Wesley Snipes crime movie, and The Dark Half, a Stephen King-based horror movie, each lack a romantic moment in which Coulier/Morissette could’ve made their move.

That leaves The Temp and Body of Evidence, erotic thrillers starring Lara Flynn Boyle and Madonna, respectively.  While it’s my judgement call, the greater buzz and wider theatrical release points to Madonna’s Body of Evidence as the movie Alanis and Coulier were watching when she went down on him.

Bold, shocking and titillating, indeed.

Asta inseamna sa fii fan adevarat. Eu nu m-am gandit s-o intreb direct pe Alanis la concertul de la Bucuresti. Dar acum, ca misterul asta probabil s-a lamurit, mai sunt si altele care pot fi investigate, in functie de nivelul de fanatism al fiecaruia: care a fost respectivul cinema, cata lume era in sala sau exact ce locuri au avut cei doi. Cu putin noroc, tapiteria e aceeasi.

La aproape 30 de ani de la "incident", ar fi interesant sa intri intr-un Hard Rock si sa vezi, intr-un colt, doua bilete de cinema inramate frumos. De-aia e util sa pastrezi bonul fiscal pana la iesirea din saracie.

2 comentarii

  1. 25 Sep 2018 la 17:29

    Asta e fan adevarat?! Pai un fan adevarat ar fi rugat-o frumos sa-i demonstreze CUM a procedat.

  2. 3 Jan 2019 la 20:32

    :)) mi-a placut comentariul cand l-am citit, scuze ca raspund abia acum :D

    din partea mea e ok, dar s-ar putea ca pe ea s-o deranjeze...

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