The funny part of life

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

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Well, well, well...

Welcome to stutter class.

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Silence is golden, unless you have kids.

Then it's just suspicious.

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"Tiniest planet ever discovered."

Are they sure it's not just really far away?

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As my wife lay on her deathbed, her final words to me were, "Take care of the kids."

So I burned the house down while they were sleeping.

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Have you heard about the new treatment doctors are prescribing depressed lesbians?

It's called Trydicagain.

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What a result. I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door.

I think they may have misunderstood me when I said last week that "I wanna watch."