Some sick jokes

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea FC manager.

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Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.

I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

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I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."
"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"
I smiled back.
"Condoms?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Suppositories?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Tampons?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.
"Paracetamol," I said.
"Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

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A young man had a lucky escape at a Linkin Park concert yesterday.

Some scaffolding collapsed and killed him before they came on.

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When I lost my job and started drinking, my wife was hit the hardest.

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If Match.com has taught me anything... the term curvy covers about 20 dress sizes.