17 Nov 2013 | KterinK

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I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center.

Took me 20 minutes to realize it was just a homeless woman shouting at a dead rat.

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A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door.

I said "Have I won the Pools?"

"No", he replied, "I'm just here to read your gas meter".

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"It's about time I told you an important thing," I said to my 15 year old son.

"What is it dad?" He asked.

"You were adopted," I murmured.

"That's impossible!" He exclaimed, "We look the same."

"Well," I replied, "That's because we are fucking Chinese."

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The internet is an amazing thing. One minute I'm at work looking up random pages passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

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Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said she'll be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

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E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.

In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".

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The more of them I see, the more convinced I am that IKEA employees were once shoppers who just got fucking lost.

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I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard", I yelled at him.

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"Can you name a famous explorer that has been forgotten?" asked my son.

"Internet Explorer," I replied.

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he texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she likes me.

All I did was point out her typo.

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I find it quite sexy to see cum dribbling out of a girl's vagina.

But not if I've just taken off her knickers.