Sa ne mai destindem…

My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.

Ha ha ha, erect.

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

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As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.

Again, he shouted back.

'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

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Ever noticed that there's a New York, a New Hampshire and even a New England but no New Liverpool...

Say what you like about Americans but even they didn't make that mistake.

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Last night I dreamt about a red octagon, with the word “STOP” emblazoned across it in white.

I think its a sign.

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I had my first ever shit at work yesterday.

The passengers on my bus weren't impressed.

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Giving a woman oral sex is like playing monopoly.

It seems like a good idea at the start but it always takes too long to finish.

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Just heard that Girls Aloud are playing Newcastle in August.

They are expected to win 3-0.