Oap oap oaaap

My best friend ran away with my wife, it's only been three days and I really miss him.

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"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said an employer to a prospective employee.

"I'm your man," replied the potential employee. "On my last job, every time things went wrong, they said I was responsible".

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Anal sex:
It's not for pussies.

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When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager and say, "It's a pity no fucker can play it."

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Woman goes to the doctor because she has a rash on her vagina. Doctor asks her, "How often do you have sex?" She replies, "Twice a year." He says, "Twice a year, that's not a rash, it's rust!"

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What starts in E and ends in E but only contains one letter?

An envelope.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.