Oap, oap, oaaap…

A scouser started working at my office this morning.

It's about time - he's been here two fucking years.

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Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them whilst driving.

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How to speak Geordie:

Now say these words.... as they are, without accent.

Ligature, Yeff, Gutter, Fierce, Lake, Appearer, Tets.

Or...

Look at you. You've got a face like a pair of tits.

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I was on Family Fortunes recently. Where I was asked: "to name something associated with fairies".

Apparently, "Brighton" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

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What's even better than snatching a kiss?

Vice versa.

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I stumbled across the wife’s secret diary this morning.

Her days are numbered.