La multi rasi

Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket.

It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

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I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day.
"What are you here for?" asked the driver.
"My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."

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Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

"Watch the fucking road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

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I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

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I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas.

I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.

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I had a lot of important things to do today.

Fuck it.

Now I have a lot of important things to do tomorrow.