Kterink maxima

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

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My three-year-old son got into the bath with me last night.

"Why is your willy much longer and fatter than mine?"

"I don't know, daddy," he replied.

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Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

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I'm quite surprised at the short amount of time, "Oh, you're so funny! I just love a man with a great sense of humour!"

changes to:

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Is everything a fucking joke to you?!" in my relationships.

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My gay son came downstairs today and said, "Dad, have you seen the straighteners?"

"Yeah, right here, son," I replied, massaging my knuckles.

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Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a fucking nightmare.

One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!