26 Mar 2013 | Personal

Introspectie

Mi s-a spus ca sunt o persoana dificila.

Adevarul e ca frec lumea la cap cu probleme aparent insignifiante, mereu cu aceleasi intrebari de tipul: dar de ce ninge iar, dupa ce a fost cald? dar n-ar fi mai misto sa nu mai ninga? hai sa ne imagina ca n-ar mai ninge niciodata, cum ar fi? dar tu chiar stai asa si accepti ca ninge? cand crezi ca se opreste ninsoarea? dupa parerea ta, chiar daca nu te-ai uitat la meteo? de fapt, cum ti-ar placea tie si de ce? etc.

E o problema cand se intalnesc doua persoane, una volubila, aparent lipsita de griji si una care este mai retrasa, introvertita sau pur si simplu dezinteresata de subiectele lipsite de esenta, plictisita de discutii despre lucruri ce de multe ori nu sunt sub controlul nostru. Pentru ca e aiurea sa discuti axiome sau sa pierzi timpul vorbind discutii.

Pe Facebook toti au 500, 1000 sau 3000 de prieteni si considera ca discuta, ca socializeaza. Pe twitter conversatiile se poarta in calupuri de 140 de caractere, asa ca suntem invitati sa fim concisi, sa nu batem campii. Pe scurt, la obiect.

Si cu asta cu 'timpul' e din ce in ce mai prezenta in viata noastra. Alergam, facem chestii pe fuga. Cand am facut ceva in tihna ultima oara? De ziua mea, intr-un weekend cand mi-am permis sa-mi inchid telefonul mobil.

Incercam ieri pe la 3 dupa-amiaza sa dau de un prieten cu care lucrez din cand in cand. L-am sunat indelung, dupa care i-am dat un SMS. M-a sunat dupa vreo jumatate de ora, putin ametit. Tocmai se trezise. L-am intrebat mirat cum de isi permite sa doarma in mijlocul zilei, pentru ca stiam ca la un moment dat avea venituri (din lucrari pe cont propriu) de cateva mii de euro pe luna. Mi-a raspuns ca nu are nevoie de mai mult de 500 de euro si ca-i poate face fara prea mult stres, cu tot cu iesit in cluburi seara si cu siesta de dupa-masa.

Simt ca sunt prins undeva la mijloc intre o stare de fapt care nu mai exista, o viata care s-a stins incet-incet incepand din '89 si apoi mai abrut din '99 incoace, si realitatea asta tip perpetuum mobile, fara substanta sau sentiment. Ma simt rupt de prezent cand imi zboara gandul la un film mai vechi al lui Richard Linklater, "Before Sunrise". Iata cateva cuvinte dintr-o conversatie pe care acum nu o vad plauzibila nici pe retelele sociale, nici in viata de zi cu zi. Pentru ca dureaza sa te gandesti la ce simti si apoi dureaza sa le exprimi... si mai dureaza ca celalalt sa se gandeasca la ce ai spus tu si sa-ti raspunda. Dar hai sa n-o mai lungesc - textul e mai jos.

EA - So often in my life I've been with people and shared beautiful moments like traveling or staying up all night and watching the sunrise. And I knew those were special moments. But something was always wrong. I wished I'd been with someone else. I knew that what I was feeling, exactly what was so important to me, they didn't understand. But I'm happy to be with you. You couldn't know why a night like this is so important to my life right now, but it is. This is a great morning.

EL - It is a great morning. Do you think we have others like this?

EA - What about our rational, adult decision?

EL - Oh, yeah. I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just, usually, it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never gone to the movies when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling if I wasn't there, you know, making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously. It's just, they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time. You'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms.
The way, the way every time that we would have people over, I'd be insecure and I'd get a little too drunk. Or the way I tell the same stupid, pseudo-intellectual story again and again. You see, I've heard all those stories so of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you it's made me feel like I was somebody else. I mean, the only other way to lose yourself like that is, you know, dancing or alcohol or drugs, stuff like that.

EA - Fucking.

EL - Fucking, yeah. That's one way.

EA - Do you know what I want?

EL - What?

EA - To be kissed.

EL - Well, I could do that.

2 comentarii

27 Mar 2013 la 17:42
Aristide

ai auzit de "lupul moralist" ?

28 Mar 2013 la 14:04
pinkISH

eu nu.

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