Ha!

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

We didn't invite the Welshman because he's a cunt.

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Why should I go to someone's funeral if they aren't going to attend mine?

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A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

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A recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used vibrators...

The other 57% bought them new.

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I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

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My wife forgot my birthday this morning, she was so red-faced when she realised.
Well, I'm not surprised she was red-faced, the amount of effort I put into that slap.

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Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.