An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
We didn't invite the Welshman because he's a cunt.
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Why should I go to someone's funeral if they aren't going to attend mine?
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A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
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A recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used vibrators...
The other 57% bought them new.
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I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans.
Or at least sew its seams.
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My wife forgot my birthday this morning, she was so red-faced when she realised.
Well, I'm not surprised she was red-faced, the amount of effort I put into that slap.
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Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.