Funny Monday

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

------------------------------------------------

The secrets of a happy marriage...

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

------------------------------------------------

Met an Australian girl in the pub last week. We were all over each other and I decided to take her back to mine. After a few more drinks and some heavy petting, I tried to stick my hand down her pants. She immediately stopped me and said:

"Sorry mate, got the rag in. But you can stick one up the shite pipe if you like".

Aussie girls are a classy lot.

------------------------------------------------

My Bastard little Son wants a Transformer for his birthday.

Don't get me wrong, it's not the money, I can pick one up at Jewsons for about £50.

It's just that the little cunt is only 7,

What the fuck does he have that runs on 110V?

------------------------------------------------

I came home from work last night, saw my girlfriend and said, "Hello, Hun."

We don't have pet names, she's German.

------------------------------------------------

Seven dwarves walk into a brothel.
The madam says, "Good evening, gentlemen."
They all reply, "Hi, ho."

------------------------------------------------

I got stains all over page 3 of The Sun the other day...

Fucking pen leaked through when I was doing the crossword.

------------------------------------------------

A hacker attack briefly shut down Twitter on Thursday.
Millions of twitterers were forced to talk to each other the old fashioned way.
Through Facebook.