Funny how

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

-------------------------------------

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

-------------------------------------

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.

"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

-------------------------------------

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"

I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

-------------------------------------

Bloody millennials, walking round like they rent the place.

-------------------------------------

As a child: 'You are grounded.'

As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 AM and 6 PM.'

-------------------------------------

Be careful on the roads peeps. People have been drinking and then letting their wife drive.

-------------------------------------

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.