Funny and offensive AF

"He used me for sex".

No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

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Me and my girlfriend stopped at the motorway services recently for some breakfast.

We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts.

I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."

"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

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I was at a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.

I asked my mate if he wanted one.

He said " No thanks mate, I'm Jewish."

"Don't worry," I replied, "they're free."

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The government have announced that it's going to make things even harder for people to claim benefits.

They are going to print the application forms in English only.

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To the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

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I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go home.

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Dear TAG heuer,

Im pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I wont need a fuckin watch anymore.

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My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday.

Not the kind of postcard i was expecting.