A funny year

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks, Grandad!"

"Why did you call me Grandad?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

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Before you laugh at children who believe in Santa Claus, remember, there are adults who still believe in Jose Mourinho...

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If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say... "SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

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Laptop speakers - too quiet for music, too loud for porn!

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I asked my Wife "Am I the only one you’ve been with?"

"Yes... but I've had some sevens and eights", she replied.

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We used to have a girl nicknamed Rudolph at school not because she had a red nose because she used to go down in history.

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A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell... I'll treat her". So he walked her past it again!

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Does Santa really live in the north pole? Let's look at the evidence:

1- Wears red and white
2- Good at breaking into houses
3- Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace
4- Drives an unlicensed vehicle
5- Only does one days work a year

Lapland, my arse! He's a fucking scouser!

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Teenagers, why don't you get something your parents would love this Christmas?

A fucking flat.

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"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - London's most hated cab driver.

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I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

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It's a well known fact that women never answer video calls after 9 PM because their face has been restored to factory settings.

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Sources tell me that Jose Mourinho still hasn't managed to leave the Man Utd training ground due to a bus being parked over the exit...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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I hate it when they wear condoms in porn.

What's the point? Men can't get each other pregnant.

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If Ryanair retain The Most Unpopular Airline trophy again next year, they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.